A clearing poem for the disenfranchised grief of childhood wounds – watch the video to listen or read below
Read here more about this disenfranchised grief.

One came from those carrying knives, they were trained and sharp
They made deft cuts and they left deep marks
They’d look you in the eye, watch to see they’d snipped the vein
Then punish you for bleeding cos they would not bear the stain

The other of those heavy leaden, they could barely lift their eyes
They couldn’t see the truth hell they couldn’t see the lies
All they knew was their own pain it tainted every angle
Intimate neglect or error and they’d fly off every handle

Each raised in their own form of hell they embraced one another
And as stories go we surely know that there could be no other
From my child’s open heart they drained every colour
No support from my father no love from my mother
And I know you’ll never see and you’ll never confess
I know you cannot give to me that which you don’t possess

I know you didn’t mean it, that doesn’t make it any less

Now my eyes see clearly
My voice speaks true and bold
It wasn’t my burden to carry
It wasn’t my pain to hold

You married a man broken as a child
He crashed upon us all and you told us to smile
Keep the peace play the part
Keep it hidden in the dark
Never let on when it hits the mark
Hide the knives driven in my heart
Grow up and make you proud
Weep in the quiet and perform in the loud
Grow a mask so convincing grow it into my skin
Build myself into armour 'til no one else can get in

And just like you and those before
I tried to hide my wounding behind a stone door
I did not matter and I had no worth
I took in what you showed me and I called it truth

It was in fantasy you came to marry
The story not yet foretold
It wasn’t my burden to carry
It wasn’t my pain to hold

I watched you shoulder the weight you couldn’t take
I watched you bend and I watched you break
I watched you worn and used and treated cruel
I saw it all because I lived it too

My form was small when it faced the terror stark
But you left me alone in the dark
The poison stung and the demons roared
Then they became mine because you couldn’t face yours

You immersed me in your emotion until I was drowning in your tears
Yet when I tried to express it you would fast stop up your ears
You taught me self-loathing and filled me with your fears
Pushed the cursed cycle forward for years and for years

I left to find my freedom and you couldn’t let me go
You said you wished me happiness but it seems 'twas all for show
I wondered if you ever thought of the life I’d left to lead
I wondered when you'd show interest in what might matter to me
I listened worried empathised while receiving next to nothing
I waited for you to see me and finally find I was worth loving

Maybe it was all in fear of what you might see in me anew
Afraid I’ll do you better and I’ll do it far from you
I’ll not be there to feed your solipsistic needs at last 
My light will grow and be my own beyond your eager grasp
I’ll not pretend my youth was sweet, no more act out the lies
I’ll let my child freely weep and gently dry her eyes
I’ll not play the dutiful for you nor feed a vain illusion
That my childhood felt like anything but a cruel chaotic confusion

The time has come to break the chain
As I’ve said it before so I say it again
Now this time I won’t say it in vain
It was never my burden it was never my pain

Are you even aware when your facade slips
The moment you believe I am in your grip
Your voice turns stern
And your tone goes cold
Not mine to carry
Not mine to hold
The role is tired
And the scene is old
The actor retired
The cards all fold
All one can do
When the story’s told
Is bid adieu
To the outgrown mold

Too long did my child’s hope tarry
Too long did it tarnish my gold
It was never my burden to carry
It was never my pain to hold

You can keep your unhealed fury
The pretence you’ve long extolled
It is not my burden to carry
It is not my pain to hold

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