In The Fine Line I briefly referenced little ‘l’ love, and big ‘L’, or unconditional, Love. The words ‘unconditional love’ have a common usage and maybe a common understanding. A cursory internet search will speak of love with ‘no strings attached’ or without expectations of repayment. I read the example of ‘the love a mother feels for her newborn child’. Comprehensible perhaps but also indicative of a moment in time rather than a sustained state. What about the idea of unconditional Love when it is between two adults, or as a sustained state? How does unconditional Love work? Is it even really a thing?

Unconditional…

One place to start to understand this is in the semantics, or the basic meaning of words. Reflecting on the word, ‘unconditional’, it unsurprisingly means without conditions; no limits, no restrictions, no end. Where this immediately goes for me is to the related words infinite and eternal. The infinite and the eternal moves us out of the ordinary material and into the realm of the metaphysical or the Soul. It is part of the limitless and endless that lies beyond our inherently finite physical world. For this reason, I also consider unconditional Love as Soul-based Love. It is outside of our physical reality and unbound by the materialistic and egoic self-concept.

The ego, tied to the physical world and our lifetime identity, is finite. It ceases to exist when we leave our mortal lives. Ego-level love is intricately interwoven with the fear of loss and ending that is a universal inevitability in our physical reality. Love from, for, or of the ego is therefore conditional, limited and finite. It is not and cannot be unconditional.

Love…

Foundationally, love can be thought of as a feeling. Maybe we feel a pull towards someone or some spark when we meet. Maybe it’s a special way we feel when thinking of a person or when in their presence, a feeling that seems to draw us to them. Perhaps we feel a yearning for their company, a desire to have that company in an ongoing capacity. We could be inspired by this feeling at some point to say the words “I love you”.

What then underlies this feeling we may call love? Why does the existence of one person tug on our heart in a way no one else’s does? Underlying the feeling of love, we might say there is a connection, an intangible energy between us and the other. However we experience this subtle sense, it tells us to pay attention to this person. This connection sits below our conscious awareness, from some deep recognition at the Soul level, even if we do not consciously experience it that way.

Then there is love in the realm of action. The feeling is all very nice, so too the connection, and the word, but what if action demonstrates the opposite of love, or demonstrates indifference? What does the feeling then mean? What does the word mean, or the connection? Can these things be said to mean anything at all to the one on the receiving end if the action says otherwise? Love in action means acts and behaviours inspired by and consistent with the feeling of love. Congruence, in love, of feeling, words, and action can be considered a picture of complete, functional love.

A Brief Reflection on Emotion…

Emotions are messengers. They are a communication from our deep self. Our body relays the emotion through circulating chemicals, and we decode the sensations of this to determine what emotion we are feeling. One such way to decode is through what they make us feel like doing. For example we want to hug someone, and we recognise gratitude. We want to smile and laugh, and we recognise joy. We want to hit something or scream, and we recognise anger. We want to retreat and cry, and we recognise sadness.

In The Ego & The Soul I spoke about the Soul being the deeper, bigger Self, the ego being the conscious sense of self, and the ego construct as containing the unconscious wounds that distort the true reflection of our Soul in our ego. I prefer to call wounds distortions, and it is through bringing these into conscious awareness that we can ‘see’ more clearly the reflection of the Soul that lies beneath.

Our Soul is the wellspring of our emotional messengers, and to reach our conscious awareness emotion must traverse the unconscious where it meets distortion. The distortion gets activated, agitated, and this comes through with the emotion. The same is true for Love. The energetic connection we experience underlying the feeling of love can even be through a shared distortion.

While I say ‘shared’, I do not mean it looks the same in both people. The feminine and masculine energies in the partnership dynamic (see Feminine & Masculine) manifest differently; feminine energies direct inwards, masculine energies project outwards. Where a shared distortion is part of the connection, each meets a felt need in the other that forms the core of the bond, but also reflects and perpetuates the distortion. It is a codependent dynamic, and this is the most common dynamic in relationships, to varying degrees.

Unconditional Love…

From that brief reflection above, a crucial point is that unconditional Love does not mean acceptance of any and all behaviour simply because we feel an attraction to someone. This relates again to the ego and the Soul internal dynamic. When the ego is built on distortion, the reflection of the Soul in the ego is distorted. Soul and ego desires can consequently be at odds with one another. The ego wants to feel safe and not have to face a fear, it wants to stay in the known; the Soul seeks expansion and evolution which requires illuminating distortion i.e., facing fear and going into the unknown. This illumination happens strongly through connections where there is shared distortion, reflecting the fear in order for it to be faced.

The other is drawn to the partnership to face their fear and their Soul too yearns for expansion. We can practice the principles of unconditional Love of another by not accepting distorted behaviour; or we can withdraw from the connection when we become aware of a distorted dynamic. We don’t elevate a Soul by feeding an ego. Unconditional Love does not pander, it holds a standard. It inherently confronts the ego, and this is often experienced as painful and confusing.

Unconditional Love is founded on the understanding that the Soul of another has its own process and we Love by respecting that process above our own ego needs. We are creatures of connection, and it is part of our primitive and learned survival drives to connect with others. Our ego may want the love and relationship the connection indicates, but accepting or continuing a connection in a distorted state is not Love and will not bring Love. Which brings me to a key point.

The Foundation…

Unconditional Love starts at home. Our own personal work is to develop unconditional Love for the Self. We enter and recognise distorted connections to learn our own lessons in Self Love. If we accept conduct from another that is unkind, uncaring, dismissive or disregarding, and certainly if it is cruel, we act from a distorted place of believing that our Self does not deserve kindness, care, respect and consideration. There is no rationalisation, no felt strength of connection, that can make such dishonour of our Self acceptable. It is not Love that would ask such a thing of us.

Loving unconditionally…

Unconditional Love is the energy of Love from the Soul, felt in the heart and expressed without distortion. The common experience and expression of love in our society is in distortion, conditional and codependent. Different manifestations of distorted patterns emerge for those in the feminine and masculine energy within a partnership dynamic; the masculine projects outwards the feminine turns inwards.

We all carry distortions; it is a key aspect of being human. It is safe to assume that if we are alive, we have distortions to reconcile. By this understanding, unconditional Love, while theoretically achievable, is virtually impossible to experience in any sustained, uninterrupted way. I think this is important to be realistic and honest about, and part of becoming aware of and accepting ourselves as who we are. A common distortion is that we are acting in unconditional Love when in fact we are not. Not by some fault or shameful failure, but by virtue of the process of living a human life. Yet the energy is real and we can feel it. We can work to connect and align to our Soul and gain a deep understanding of Self and the unconditional Love we naturally hold at that level. Which brings me to a final perspective of unconditional Love, and that is as a practice.

We can dedicate ourselves to understanding the principles of unconditional Love and commit to embodying Love as a practice to the best of our capacity. This entails balancing Love for the Self and Love for others; a lifelong creative process of dedication and experience. It can certainly be done in partnership, should two people meet who are both committed, or ready and willing to commit, to such a co-creative devotion. It is also true that the deeper we naturally tend to engage and the further we pursue this practice, the fewer people there are working at the same level, and the more difficult it can be to connect meaningfully with others in close personal relationship. As we start to truly meet our Self we come to realise that is the real path to Love; through knowing our Self we better understand others. This is, after all, the highest aspiration of humankind in alignment with the Soul journey – Love in the realm of Being; to learn, enact and embody the energy of unconditional Love.

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